Overview

I was diagnosed with Bipolar1 when I was twenty-six. Every doctor I saw said the symptoms were began playing out as early as my teen years. I have been hospitalized twenty-six times over the course of twenty-five years. I am now fifty-two years of age, and I am very much afflicted with my disease. I struggle daily with depression. The manic part of my illness rarely shows its face any more. My Bipolar has been a living hell. I have learned many coping skills, but at times it's just not enough. I started cutting in my twenties but can look back in my teen years and see where self-harm displayed itself. There were times I pulled my hair out of frustration, there was sticking and scratching with straight pins and paper clips, which in my early years led to hot curling irons, glass, razor blades. When things would overwhelm me or when I would feel so numb because of depression, this would be when I would self-harm it would give me a release from my pain. I found out that mental illness (Bipolar, Major Depression and nerve problems) went back three generations on my mother's side of the family, as it is a genetic disorder. Most of my journal writing became more expressive through poetry, the majority if which was written during my dark times. When the darkness of depression falls upon you, all the fears of your emotions come pouring out. I don't want to belittle my family any more than I have to. Just remember the feelings I talk about in my poetry came through a child's eye, and a child wounded by thing she did not understand. These are my emotions as I felt them. Parents, that's why you should be careful with the environment you raise your children in: they see and hear more than you think with very little understanding. After a while they will stuff their fears in what can be harmful ways.

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9781462643714

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