Overview

Writing about transforming a crisis of indecision into a journey of self-discovery, the author in this book seeks to reminds women that motherhood is an option, not a given (much less an instinct). The author aims to show how the choice each individual makes is a product of her fears (of change and loss of control), unexamined assumptions about normality, and the not-always-audible voices of her own mother and family history. Dr. Tobin challenges mental health professionals to recognise that coming to terms with the question Do I want to be a mother? is a rite of passage proper to every women, an act of maturation, an opportunity for self-creation. For women who find themselves infertile or uncoupled or unconventionally situated in terms of age or sexual preference, the question may be compounded - How much do I want to be a mother? - and revisited more than once as reproductive technology fails, adoption is considered and time passes.

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9780765701275

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Reviews

This is a book about making choices, and it is in making our life choices that we create ourselves. No choice in life is any more significant than the decision to parent or not to parent, and Motherhood Optional shows us that in making that decision a woman gives birth to her very self. The book will help all women, as well as the men in their lives, to better understand the struggles and conflicts, the longings and dreads, that go into the decision. Whether she be a young married woman who does not want to be like her own mother, an older woman considering single parenthood, or a lesbian in a committed relationship, Dr. Tobin's sensitive, affirmative, nonjudgmental approach will guide her through the wide range of issues that play a role in her decision to become a mother or remain child-free. -- Lewis Aron, Ph.D

It's okay not to have children, it's okay to have children, but it's not okay to follow blindly in your mother's footsteps, according to Tobin, a psychotherapist who also debunks the idea that it's in a woman's nature to want. . . babies. Then in seeming contradiction, Tobin goes on to state that in choosing whether or not to be a mother, we define ourselves in the most important way a woman can. That's a troubling statement, setting women up once again to be interpreted in terms of the uterus, whether or not it is used for growing babies. Arguing that women are far less free to choose whether or not to have a baby than conventional wisdom suggests, Tobin goes on to examine both cultural issues (having a child is normal or natural ) and personal ones (losing control of the toned body, the successful job, the satisfying relationship). Like many psychotherapists, she offers more questions than answers, encouraging the reader to do the work. Incorporating cursory and unconvincing case histories, the book begins with the toughest questions, like Who am I? and What makes me a woman? and goes on to Will I get fat? and Why. . . do we consider childless women selfish? The most revealing answers, according to the author, come when the question is reframed from Do I want to have a baby? to Do I want to be a mother?. The answer is frequently a pained I don't want to be my mother. The emphasis is on digging to unearth what others have called the true self. Tobin also explores the rugged road of infertility treatments, as well as both the positive and negative sides of being childfree and of mothering. A perfunctory and ambiguous road map for the often heart-wrenching voyage into self-awareness that more and more women are facing. (Kirkus Reviews)

This is a book about making choices, and it is in making our life choices that we create ourselves. No choice in life is any more significant than the decision to parent or not to parent, and Motherhood Optional shows us that in making that decision a woman gives birth to her very self. The book will help all women, as well as the men in their lives, to better understand the struggles and conflicts, the longings and dreads, that go into the decision. Whether she be a young married woman who does not want to be like her own mother, an older woman considering single parenthood, or a lesbian in a committed relationship, Dr. Tobin's sensitive, affirmative, nonjudgmental approach will guide her through the wide range of issues that play a role in her decision to become a mother or remain child-free.--Lewis Aron, Ph.D

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