Overview

Five dates. Zero sparks. One very high-stakes comic book. Janet is a data architect who prefers the logical consistency of code to the messy variables of human interaction. She has a thriving career, a judgmental ginger cat named Jonesy, and a prize possession that defines her soul: a mint-condition, 1963 X-Men #1. But Janet's mother, Eleanor, has other plans. Convinced that her daughter is one ""pediatric surgeon with a Golden Retriever"" away from a domestic epiphany, Eleanor pulls the ultimate power move: she locks Janet's precious comic in a high-security safe. The only way to get it back? Janet must survive five dates curated by The Agency-an elite matchmaking service run by a woman who wears enough turquoise to be seen from space. To win her ""mutants"" back, Janet must endure ninety minutes of meaningful dialogue with a gauntlet of modern dating's finest disasters: The Fitness Freak: Who thinks an ice bath is a personality trait. The Crypto-Bro: Who wants to tokenize their potential relationship. The Mama's Boy: Who doesn't make a move without a three-way conference call. The Intellectual Snob: Who peer-reviews her hair and cites his red flags in MLA format. The Traditionalist: Who wants to trade her career for a ""walled garden"" and a calfskin binding. Armed with a spreadsheet titled Operation_Endure_The_Agency.xlsx and a razor-sharp wit, Janet sets out to prove that some things aren't meant to be ""optimized."" Marriage? No, Thanks! is a satirical, fast-paced ""anti-romance"" for anyone who has ever been told they are ""too picky,"" anyone who prefers a server rack to a wedding rack, and anyone who knows that sometimes, the only ""perfect match"" is the one you find in a comic book shop. Will Janet reclaim her inheritance, or will the Agency finally find a glitch in her single-girl programming?

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