Overview

Pussy-whipped. Why is it that the worst thing one man can say about another is that he is controlled by a woman, or more precisely, by his need for a woman? The surprising answer that is hidden in plain sight is that most straight men are scared of their intimate partners. It's pretty clear that women are afraid of men, and with good reason. Men hold positions of privilege and power in most personal and professional settings. The idea that men are also afraid of women is a radical one, and to some, even offensive. Men's fears of women are less visible--more hidden--from women, from other men, and from themselves. Men have done such a good job of hiding their fears and vulnerabilities that even their mothers and lovers don't know how scared they are. Men's fears of women include: the fear of being dominated and controlled by women; fear of being entrapped by women; fear of being responsible for women; fear of being inadequate; fear of being abandoned; and fear of being feminized. Men's fears of women are one of the primary causes of many emotional problems for men and of their difficulties in intimate heterosexual relationships. Take the example of a husband and wife having an argument. The wife is hurt and angry. Her husband can clearly see that she's upset, which makes him surprisingly uncomfortable. While he would like to feel empathic, there is something about her strong feelings that is distressing to him and gets in the way. Because he is uncomfortable with his own strong feelings, the husband begins to withdraw emotionally and detach to protect himself. For reasons he doesn't fully understand, it becomes increasingly important to him to remain rational and unemotional, and he is increasingly critical of, and irritated with, his wife for being ""too emotional."" The wife can feel her husband withdrawing, and the more he withdraws, the stronger her feelings become and the more urgently she pursues him, trying to find a way to make some kind of emotional connection with him. Now they are locked in a mutually destructive cycle; the more she pushes for the emotional connection that she yearns for, the more he detaches. The more he tries to control his own fear by detaching, the more upset she gets. Dr. Avrum Weiss' Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships is a psychological non-fiction book about relationships and the hidden internal world of men. The book presents many scenarios with prescriptive content and guidance woven throughout. It is written for a popular audience in intelligent yet accessible, relatable language. Male readers will recognize that this is a male-positive book, written by a man about the male perspective on relationships in a way that will not make them feel inadequate or shamed. At the same time, the book's topic will interest women who often feel in the dark about men's internal experience, and who will be intrigued by the opportunity to have a peek into the secret lives of men, to learn more about the counter-intuitive idea that men are as scared of them as they are of men.

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9781643810447

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"""Dr. Avrum Weiss' book Hidden in Plain Sight beautifully weaves together the personal and collective stories of fearful men and women, bringing us closer to understanding the real complexity of male-female relationships-not a small feat! Dr. Weiss' wisdom and perspective illuminate the influence of power and privilege on gender. His empathy for men's struggles is palpable and kind, as is his ability to locate the source of pain: not in men or women but in patriarchy itself. This is a courageous book that can help all of us move beyond polarizing gender stereotypes. Radical empathy offers the possibility of real change; Dr. Weiss' balanced and deep empathy shows us the way out of the isolation of silence and how, together, we can gather skills and create hope, bringing about personal and social wellbeing. If we are to change the world, we must first reduce the fear that hustles us toward isolation and silence. Hidden in Plain Sight opens the way for fresh and frank discussions between women and men."" Judith V Jordan. Ph.D., Assistant Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Author of Relational-Cultural Therapy ""This book is needed now more than ever. I want to buy it for everyone I know. When men go silent, all of us lose something vital. To live with, love, raise, and work with boys and men, it is imperative that we understand the world as men live in it. Dr. Weiss has truly written a new psychology of men."" Carrie Phillips, LISW ""I had honestly never in my life heard men talk this way, to articulate that the women in their lives were so profoundly important to them that they were constantly terrified we'd leave them-a threat I had often made in my rages, semi-seriously at times, assuming it had no impact."" Anonymous female participant of Dr. Weiss' ""Men's Fears of Women"" workshop. ""In this thought-provoking book, Dr. Weiss blends decades of clinical experience and brutally honest personal accounts to illustrate the underlying emotional roadblocks that interfere with men's relationships with women. He explores attachment and separation in parent-child relationships and the gender role socialization process that men experience in society at large. The reader is left with a blueprint for understanding conflicts in relationships and for making the course corrections that can lead to more authentic and fulfilling relationships. I will incorporate these insights into my future clinical work with couples."" Bill DeFranc, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, University of Massachusetts, Boston ""Although centered on relational fears of straight men, Hidden in Plain Sight will enrich gay men's understanding of fears that might exist in any intimate pair. More importantly, it might help you understand a possibly universal conflict of gay youths. As a child I thought I was an outsider looking into the world of masculinity. I felt unsettled at not being fully male and thought that straight kids really knew what I did not: how to be a boy and ultimately a man. I now see how straight guys were just as lost as I was in feeling not masculine enough. I was an outsider among outsiders!"" Robert Carrere, Ph.D., ABPP, Psychoanalyst/Clinical Psychologist"

""Dr. Avrum Weiss' book Hidden in Plain Sight beautifully weaves together the personal and collective stories of fearful men and women, bringing us closer to understanding the real complexity of male-female relationships-not a small feat! Dr. Weiss' wisdom and perspective illuminate the influence of power and privilege on gender. His empathy for men's struggles is palpable and kind, as is his ability to locate the source of pain: not in men or women but in patriarchy itself. This is a courageous book that can help all of us move beyond polarizing gender stereotypes. Radical empathy offers the possibility of real change; Dr. Weiss' balanced and deep empathy shows us the way out of the isolation of silence and how, together, we can gather skills and create hope, bringing about personal and social wellbeing. If we are to change the world, we must first reduce the fear that hustles us toward isolation and silence. Hidden in Plain Sight opens the way for fresh and frank discussions between women and men."" Judith V Jordan. Ph.D., Assistant Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Author of Relational-Cultural Therapy ""This book is needed now more than ever. I want to buy it for everyone I know. When men go silent, all of us lose something vital. To live with, love, raise, and work with boys and men, it is imperative that we understand the world as men live in it. Dr. Weiss has truly written a new psychology of men."" Carrie Phillips, LISW ""I had honestly never in my life heard men talk this way, to articulate that the women in their lives were so profoundly important to them that they were constantly terrified we'd leave them-a threat I had often made in my rages, semi-seriously at times, assuming it had no impact."" Anonymous female participant of Dr. Weiss' ""Men's Fears of Women"" workshop. ""In this thought-provoking book, Dr. Weiss blends decades of clinical experience and brutally honest personal accounts to illustrate the underlying emotional roadblocks that interfere with men's relationships with women. He explores attachment and separation in parent-child relationships and the gender role socialization process that men experience in society at large. The reader is left with a blueprint for understanding conflicts in relationships and for making the course corrections that can lead to more authentic and fulfilling relationships. I will incorporate these insights into my future clinical work with couples."" Bill DeFranc, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, University of Massachusetts, Boston ""Although centered on relational fears of straight men, Hidden in Plain Sight will enrich gay men's understanding of fears that might exist in any intimate pair. More importantly, it might help you understand a possibly universal conflict of gay youths. As a child I thought I was an outsider looking into the world of masculinity. I felt unsettled at not being fully male and thought that straight kids really knew what I did not: how to be a boy and ultimately a man. I now see how straight guys were just as lost as I was in feeling not masculine enough. I was an outsider among outsiders!"" Robert Carrere, Ph.D., ABPP, Psychoanalyst/Clinical Psychologist

Dr. Avrum Weiss' book Hidden in Plain Sight beautifully weaves together the personal and collective stories of fearful men and women, bringing us closer to understanding the real complexity of male-female relationships-not a small feat! Dr. Weiss' wisdom and perspective illuminate the influence of power and privilege on gender. His empathy for men's struggles is palpable and kind, as is his ability to locate the source of pain: not in men or women but in patriarchy itself. This is a courageous book that can help all of us move beyond polarizing gender stereotypes. Radical empathy offers the possibility of real change; Dr. Weiss' balanced and deep empathy shows us the way out of the isolation of silence and how, together, we can gather skills and create hope, bringing about personal and social wellbeing. If we are to change the world, we must first reduce the fear that hustles us toward isolation and silence. Hidden in Plain Sight opens the way for fresh and frank discussions between women and men. Judith V Jordan. Ph.D., Assistant Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Author of Relational-Cultural Therapy This book is needed now more than ever. I want to buy it for everyone I know. When men go silent, all of us lose something vital. To live with, love, raise, and work with boys and men, it is imperative that we understand the world as men live in it. Dr. Weiss has truly written a new psychology of men. Carrie Phillips, LISW I had honestly never in my life heard men talk this way, to articulate that the women in their lives were so profoundly important to them that they were constantly terrified we'd leave them-a threat I had often made in my rages, semi-seriously at times, assuming it had no impact. Anonymous female participant of Dr. Weiss' Men's Fears of Women workshop. In this thought-provoking book, Dr. Weiss blends decades of clinical experience and brutally honest personal accounts to illustrate the underlying emotional roadblocks that interfere with men's relationships with women. He explores attachment and separation in parent-child relationships and the gender role socialization process that men experience in society at large. The reader is left with a blueprint for understanding conflicts in relationships and for making the course corrections that can lead to more authentic and fulfilling relationships. I will incorporate these insights into my future clinical work with couples. Bill DeFranc, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, University of Massachusetts, Boston Although centered on relational fears of straight men, Hidden in Plain Sight will enrich gay men's understanding of fears that might exist in any intimate pair. More importantly, it might help you understand a possibly universal conflict of gay youths. As a child I thought I was an outsider looking into the world of masculinity. I felt unsettled at not being fully male and thought that straight kids really knew what I did not: how to be a boy and ultimately a man. I now see how straight guys were just as lost as I was in feeling not masculine enough. I was an outsider among outsiders! Robert Carrere, Ph.D., ABPP, Psychoanalyst/Clinical Psychologist

Author Information

Avrum G. Weis, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who sees individuals and couples for psychotherapy online. Dr. Weiss is recognized nationally for his pioneering work on the process of change in individuals and organizations. He is the author of three books and hundreds of articles, published on The Good Men Project, Psychology Today, and elsewhere.

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