Overview

Do you feel trapped between your love and your pain, long for peace but feel exhausted, belittled, and confused by a narcissist? If you're in an abusive relationship and either don't want to leave or are having difficulty doing so, Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist is for you. It's insightful, researched, and empathetic. The core problem is that narcissists prioritize power and sacrifice the relationship to get it, while their partners prioritize the relationship and sacrifice themselves to keep it. This book offers hope and can help you restore your self-esteem and rebalance power in an abusive or narcissistic relationship. It includes Essential Tools for Improving and Leaving and an in-depth analysis of the relationship, how to make changes, and how to assess its prognosis. It will help you leave if you so decide. This workbook is packed with healing exercises, checklists, and lists of actions, including a strategic step-by-step plan with scripts to confront abuse and get your needs met. You will reclaim yourself and improve your relationship, whether the narcissist is your partner, parent, child, sibling, or co-worker or doesn't have a narcissistic personality disorder. In sum, you will have practical plans you can implement to better your relationship with yourself and your loved one and be able to determine whether and how to leave the relationship. You will: Discover the diagnosis, type, and deep motivations of a narcissist Recognize the warning signs when dating a narcissist Identify the behavior and what to expect in narcissistic relationships Understand your role and attraction to a narcissist Regain your independence, confidence, and self-esteem Rebalance the power in the relationship Find out how to confront narcissistic abuse effectively Be able to assess your relationship and prepare to leave Chapter 1 examines a narcissistic personality disorder, types of narcissists, including narcissistic parents, and the cause and signs of narcissism. Chapter 2 focuses on the underlying features, behaviors, motivations, and traits. You will discover how to identify the type you're dealing with and why narcissists act the way they do. Chapter 3 explains narcissistic defenses and all varieties of narcissistic abuse including the most subtle forms. Chapters 4 and 5 describe codependency and the type of person who loves a narcissist and what makes them susceptible to narcissists and abuse. Chapters 6 and 7 look at the relationship, starting with the mutual attraction and the signs and problems that arise when dating and loving a narcissist. They cover issues such as control, intimacy, emotional unavailability, love-bombing, trauma bonds, ghosting, and gaslighting and how to determine whether a narcissist is capable of love. If you've been emotionally abandoned before, you'll learn how to prevent its recurrence. Chapters 8 and 9 are about taking action and changing the balance of power. A blueprint is laid out to follow in order to change the relationship dynamics. Chapter 9 details a step-by-step game plan to effectively communicate and confront narcissistic behavior and emotional abuse. Scripts are suggested you can practice to set boundaries and ask for changes that you want. It also offers advice for navigating couples therapy. The final chapters 10-12 discuss leaving and moving on. They cover why it's so difficult, how to decide, and what to expect, including hoovering and flying monkeys, plus practical advice regarding tactics and strategies for divorcing a narcissist. The stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse are set forth with guidance and recommendations for creating a single life, dating, and therapy.

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Reviews

Darlene Lancer understands the DNA of people with narcissistic personality disorder, including their relationships. Her clinical credentials and personal experience make this a book that is not to be missed if you have a partner with NPD, whether you're staying in the relationship or leaving. Randi Kreger, Author of Stop Walking on Eggshells Darlene Lancer's book will help you regain your sense of self and restore your right to believe in yourself again. It will help you make sense of the nonsensical experiences you have experienced with someone you believe may have either been a narcissist or possessed high narcissistic traits. Thank you, Darlene, for bringing your understanding, wisdom, and compassion to the field of narcissistic abuse recovery. Lisa A. Romano Life Coach and Bestselling Author of The Codependency Manifesto Darlene Lancer's expertise on narcissism and its impact on relationships is unequalled. She understands the differences in our brains, and has insight that all could benefit from. Hackie Reitman, M.D., DifferentBrains.org Darlene Lancer has created a must have manual for those who suffer from the nasty habit of getting into bed with a narcissist. This book will enlighten you about the subtle and seductive methods that have been used to reel you in, and will provide you with the concrete steps to make you narcissist-proof moving forward, liberating you to finally create the mutually loving relationship you long for. Katherine Woodward Thomas, NYT Bestselling Author of Calling in The One Lancer is not only a scholar of codependency and narcissism, she's been a victim of narcissism and healed from it. I'm grateful for her expertise and personal wisdom and highly recommend her books to my clients. Jean 'Shayna' Lester, LMFT, Prison Chaplain, Spiritual Director, and Teacher of Ethics and Sacred Therapy I am extremely impressed with this book and highly recommend it to anyone who has a narcissist in their life. Lancer takes the courageous and enlightened perspective that even a relationship with a narcissist can be improved if you can gain sufficient understanding of them and yourself. Instead of demonizing narcissists, Lancer focuses on changing the relationship dynamics, offering hope and healing for anyone dealing with a narcissist. Beverly Engel, Author of Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don't Deserve Lancer has written an insightful and comprehensive book that is transformative for loved ones of narcissists. Like her books on shame and codependency, she remarkably breaks down deep psychological concepts into empathetic and practical strategies for anyone wanting to improve their relationship and/or decide whether to leave. Sherry Gaba, LCSW, Author of Love Smacked and host of The Fix Podcast

Author Information

International relationship expert and media spokesperson on narcissism and codependency, Darlene Lancer is a psychotherapist and author of 9 books.

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