Overview

Book One of An Ongoing Allyssa Problem This book covers the early years of my life, which unfold less like a peaceful childhood and more like a long-running series with questionable writing decisions and way too many plot twists. Criss Crossed Apple-Sauced is a memoir told in episodes, arcs, and behind the scene moments. it moves through complicated family dynamics, shifting homes, awkward school years, and the kind of experiences that quietly shape you before you're old enough to understand what's happening. Each chapter reads like an episodes title because that is genuinely how it felt living it. There are love stories, adults making questionable decisions, and a child trying to make sense of it all while learning important life lessons from school and home life. Some moments are heavy. Some moments are absurd. Many are both. The tone is honest, sarcastic, and very aware of itself. This book uses humor, Gen Z language, and commentary as a coping mechanism, not a distraction. It does not try to make everything sound inspirational or neatly resolved. It just tells a story as it happened, with the benefit of hindsight and jokes. This is not a celebrity memoir and not a highlight reel. It is a real account of growing up in chaos, learning patience way too early, and collecting character development long before it was wanted. If your childhood felt like it had seasons, reboots, and a few episodes you still think about at night, this book will probably feel familiar. Welcome to Criss Crossed Apple-Sauced. This just the beginning of An Ongoing Allyssa Problem.

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